Jack's Return To Neverland
by VashandNaomiForever
Summary: --Sequil to 'Captain Jack's Trip to Neverland. Jack destroys happy endings of other Disney movies that will be encountered in his misadventures. Hook is involved with all Jack's plans Even if he really doesn't want to , and get ready for randomness...
1. You again?

**Jack's Return To Neverland**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Disney or any legal stuff.

_You Again?_

You thought Jack's reckoning of Disney movies were over, now did you? Well you were wrong, dead wrong. Here is another tale of Jack Sparrow's venture into...The Random Zone. do do do do, do do do do music starts playing.

Jack was sailing his ship, the Black Pearl, around the sea, when he spotted a huge, royal looking ship ahead.

"Pillage and plunder, anyone?" He asked of his crew and every one gave a cheer of excitement/agreement.

"Right then!" Said Jack as he pointed his ship directly towards the other. Getting closer and closer, Jack noticed that there was a little sign on the end of it. Looked like it said, "Just married"

"It's that sweet then." He said, eyes getting that crazy look about them, "Wonder who the happy couple might be?"

Now the Black Pearl was side by side with the ship and people kept calling out towards them.

"We've come to give the bride and groom a gift." Jack said, jumping on board with his crew closely behind.

A tall dark haired prince with a red headed dame came up to the crew of pirates and Jack's mind started working.

"I'll be taking your girl now, mate." Jack said, giving his hand out towards the girl. Of course, she looked at him like he was a lunatic and her hubby got out his sword and started pointing it at Jack. Saying things you'd expect, "Get the hell off my ship." Were among the many. Finally Jack had had enough of talk and took out his own sword and ran the man right through. With everyone bug eyed and in shock, Jack took the time to carry the girl off her ship and onto his own.

"Have at it boys!" He called over his shoulder to his crew who started to make a mess of the once happy little ship. Jack took the girl down to the brig and locked her up. Leaving her in her paralyzed, shock state, he went back up and onto the other ship. Grabbing a slice of wedding cake and a glass of bubbly he sat down and watched his crew in action.

After the ship was fully and totally trashed, and the pirates had eaten their full of cake, they all headed back onto the Black Pearl and headed towards where they had come from.

"She's just the thing he needs." Jack said to himself as he sailed away.

------------------------------

Kicking and screaming, Jack brought the little red haired girl onto the Jolly Roger and to the bewildered Hook.

"What do you plan on doing with that thing?" He asked of Jack.

"Well, she's for you. Think of it as a present."

"What? What makes you think I need a girl on my ship? I have the other little thing around her somewhere..." Hook said, looking around for Peter Pan's ex little girl friend.

"The names Wendy." She said, popping out of no where and glaring at Jack, "I want you to know that I still hate you."

"Whatever luv, you'll thank me when you start bleeding." Jack told her, which made her give him a look of confusion. Jack then placed his attention back on Hook.

"You don't understand, this one is older. She's perfect for your needs as a pirate. Every captain gets lonely some time, Hooky." Jack taunted, pushing the girl onto Hooks lap.

"But I don't want her!" Hook said, pushing her off and onto the floor, "Take it back, I'm perfectly fine being alone."

Jack shook his head in dismay at Hook, "What you need is a good whore, and I happen to have provided you with one. Come on, it'll cheer you up in no time."

"I don't need cheering up!" Cried Hook, having enough of this matter. "What made you think I needed one in the first place?"

"Well, you haven't had one in a long time, I can tell, so I thought just like any good pirate a whore would cheer things right up for you." Jack said, picking up the girl and handing her back to Hook. "Just give her a try."

Hook looked at the girl, the girl looked at Hook. He bent his head, as if to try and kiss her, when she bit his nose! Blood started going everywhere as the girl kept digging in deeper. "Get her off! Get her off!" Cried Hook, tears of pain rolling down his face.

"Bloody hell!" Said Jack, throwing her off of the now very hurt and angry captian Hook, "Sorry mate, didn't think she'd do that..."

"It'll cheer you right up, he says! Go ahead and try it, he begs! Well you know what? You can take that girl and walk her off the plank for all I care!" And with that, Hook grabbed the girl by the arm, dragged her to the plank, and threw her off his ship.

Everyone watched as she splashed about and went under, then all of a sudden, she wasn't a girl anymore. She was a mermaid!

"Holy shit! Catch her, someone, get a net!" Cried Jack, helping some of Hooks crew with a net and dropping it on the girl just in time. "We got her!" exclaimed the excited Jack, watching as they pulled her up.

"And what do you plan on doing with the brat?" Hook asked.

"Ever hear of cock fights?" Jack asked.

"Well of course, everyone has, but so what?"

"How about mermaid fights?" Asked the now greedily smiling Jack. "People would pay loads to see these things fight! Were you not just yesterday telling me about other mermaids on this island? Well, we go out and capture those, pen them up in some cove, and have mermaid fights! What do you think?"

"I think you're crazy! Who the hell would come to Neverland to see such a thing?" Hook asked.

"Oh, I know a few people..." Came Jack's reply as he began to tell the men what his plans were on how to go about getting everything they would need for their new source of income.


	2. What Now?

**Jack's Return To Neverland**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Disney or any legal stuff.

_What Now?_

"Why am I here?" Sighed the annoyed Captain Hook. He watched in silence as Jack and his men put up cages for the mermaids in the cove, and caught each one. Separating them all, and then making a ring where they would do their fighting. The red headed girl, who was suppose to be a present for Hook, was going to be the main attraction. He gave an evil chuckle as he watched the men drag her by the hair and slam her in a cage in the water.

"Take that you brat!" He yelled as the girl clung at the cage and thrashed about madly. 

"I see you're ready to see the first fight, eh mate?" Asked Jack who had come out of nowhere. 

Hook jumped in surprise but then relaxed and shrugged his shoulders. "What of an audience? Didn't you say you had people who would pay to see this?" 

"Oh yeah, I sent word to them, they should be here any moment..." They looked over to the right and watched as an unknown ship came sailing in.

"Those your men?" Hook asked, taking in the people on deck. It appeared the men were really busy trying to catch some hooligan swinging from the ropes on the sails. The captain, at least he looked captain material in Hook's eye, was not very happy looking. With wrinkled frown, his ship sailed next to Hook's and came to a stop.

"Jack, this better be as good as it sounded, I'm having enough trouble as it is." Grumbled the man.

"I can see that, Barbossa. Who be that fellow swinging around like an ape?" Asked Jack.

"We picked him up from an island in the middle of nowhere. Doesn't seem too happy about us taking him and his little friends away...Keeps asking where we put his bonnie lass." This Barbossa laughed at. "He doesn't know we traded her off on one of our stops, still thinks she's in the brig!" He chuckles more when the man he was referring to drops down from his rope and falls on top of him.

"Tarzan, see Jane now?" He asked, looking down at the splattered captain.

"Get off me ye big ape!" Hollarad Barbossa, as the man on top of him slowly moved as he said. "And no, ye can't see her; we sold her off last port!" Tarzan looked blankly at the captain, obviously not understanding, then gave a shrug and walked away. 

Standing up, and straightening his hat, Barbossa had a board brought over and stepped onto the Jolly Roger. 

"Barbossa, this is Captain Hook. Hookie, this is Barbie." The two captains nodded their heads towards one another and started to talk when a loud crash is heard. They all look over at Barbossa's ship and see this men running like hell out of the brig.

"Captain! They've escaped!" One of the crew cried as they dove over board. 

"What's this then?" Asked the curious Jack, watching as Barbossa covered his eyes with his hand and shook his head.

"I picked up some weird animals on another island and well..." His voice was cut off by the sound of music.

"I feel a song coming on! How bout you Baggy?" 

"Oh not that song again, Balu..."

"No! It's a different one! Here, I'll sing it to ya...I wanna be a pirate! I wanna learn to drink and fight! I'd be wearing my eye patch walking on a peg leg all the time! Stealing a young girls heart! Just like Jack and Will! Singing those drinking songs, oh I should've been a pirate!"(Beat to 'Should've been a cowboy' is what he's singing to)

The three captains watched in aw as a bear and a panther came out dancing and singing their little song. "Am I seeing things?" Asked the worried Hook, "Perhaps I drank too much?"

"No, you ain't going crazy. This is just how they are...told ye it was odd." Replied Barbossa.

"Sailing in the ocean! Just like Barbossa! Singing those drinking songs, OH I SHOULD'VE BEEN A PIRATE!" They sang as the pirates watched, now just plain annoyed. 

"Can I shoot them?" Jack asked.

"No, people would pay too much to see animals talk...Even though they're annoying as hell, I gotta deal with them until I find a buyer." Barbossa told him.

"Alright, so anyways, how bout a Mermaid Fight? Sound good?" Jack asked, leading Hook and Barbossa over to the area where they were keeping the mermaids. 

"What about the others? Surely this can't be just it?" Hook asked of Jack.

"Oh, they'll be here, don't worry so much!" Jack scolded, "Hey lookie, there's one now!" They all turned to see another ship entering the area. 

-------------------

"The one day I can walk on land and this is what I'm spending my day to see?" Asked the sarcastic Will Turner.

"Oh, it ain't that bad, mate. Just sit back and relax. We could always get those animals to sing for you again." Jack said, referring to the Bear and Panther.

"No, thanks." Replied Will as he watched the match between some red headed mermaid and a blonde one. 

"Beat the Ginger Kid up Blondie!" Roared the excited Hook. He still hadn't forgiven the bitch for biting his nose and making a fool out of him. "Rip her fin off!" He cried.

Unfortunately, the red headed girl was beating the tar out of the blonde. Taking her long nails and clawing out her eyes, then grabbing the blonde by the hair and jerking her head so hard a loud snap could be heard. The once thrashing about mermaid was no limp and still, but the red head still clawed at her. The mermaid was sinking her razor sharp teeth into the others neck and chewing on her liver when the crew men finally got her off the bloody mess.

"That was disgusting..." Spoke the sickened Will.

"Stupid bitch." Replied Hook.

"When's the next one?" Asked Barbossa.

"Give the men about five minutes, this is a nasty mess they have to clean up." Replied the excited Jack, "And how will you be paying for your entertainment?" He asked of Barbossa and Will. "Cash or Credit?"

"Take your filthy money, I'll have no more of this nonsense..." Replied Will, getting up, ready to leave.

"Too bad, Elizabeth was coming to see the fight too. You'll just barely miss her." Spoke the sly Sparrow.

Immediately Will sat down and had a look of longing in his brown eyes. Mumbling something or the other about 'Elizabeth' Barbossa gave Jack his money and Hook took notice of another ship coming in. 

"Think that's her?" Hook asked of Jack.

"Maybe..."

All four men watched as a pretty slim woman came from the ship, with a little boy taging along with her. As they grew closer, Hook could see better detail of the little kid...He had dreadlocks. 

When Will saw Elizabeth, he seemed happy enough. When he ran over to her and looked down at the kid, his smile totally faded.

"JACK?" He bellowed as he turned from the pleading voice of Elizabeth and ran straight for the man. The two ran around in circles, Jack running for his life and Will intent on slitting the others throat. 

"Why are you mad at me? She's the one who came on to me!" Whined Sparrow.

Will now had tentacles coming out of his face and was looking more and more like a squid. This is what happened to him when he got really pissed. "I'm going to kill you Jack!" Yelled Will

"Oh Will! Stop it!" Cried Elizabeth as she ran in between the two and held Will down, "Now are we going to act like adults and talk this out or are we going to run around like children, threatening each other?" She asked him.

Will bowed his head and crossed his arms. Beginning to pout, Elizabeth rolled her eyes at him. "This is why I cheated on you with Jack! You're just such a baby! I mean he _knows_ how to treat a woman, while you...well, you're like a clumbsy teenager!" She complained, making Will burst into tears.

"I can do better! I promise!" He cried into her lap. "Just give me another chance!" 

"I can't will, you're not the same man I fell in love with. Jack's all I ever wanted and all I need." She told him, bringing back his anger. 

"If I can't have you, no one will!" He yelled as he took his sword and shanked her right through the heart. 

"Will! You finally...Grew some...BBBBBAAALLLLLLLSSSSS..." Her last word was faded away as she died in his tentacle like arms. 

"Well, he's your problem now Jack. You get to take responsibility for your actions." Will told him as he pushed the tearful boy into Jacks arms. "Here's his blankie...his teddy...and his binkie..." Said will as he handed Jack all his 'sons' stuff. With a tear in his eye, Will left the group with Elizabeth in his arms and went to his ship. 

"So, you're my real dad?" The kid asked Sparrow.

"Maybe?" Jack answered.

"Cool! You're way better than my other dad, mom said he was a pussy, and I thought so too! You're way cooler!" The kid said, hugging the confused Jack.

"What's your name, kid?" Jack asked him.

"I'm Phil" He told him,

"Can I have a pirate name?"

"Sure, why not?" Said Jack.

"Can I be Salty Sam?"

"...And people say _I'm_ weird..." Stated Jack.


	3. Did You Say Smuck Or Smut?

**Jack's Return To Neverland**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Disney and all that legal stuff.

_Did You Say Smuck Or Smut?_

"I hate you..." growled the embarrassed Hook.

"Oh cheer up! I could be worse..." Jack said.

"We're sitting down, at a table with a _Teddy Bear_, having an _Imaginary_ tea party, _WEARING DRESSES!_" Roared Hook.

"Yes, but you do look rather slimming in it." Jack told him. Hook blushed for a moment, then shook his head and began to mumble under his breath about something relating to 'Never had this much trouble with Peter Pan...'

The two stopped talking as Phil came in with Wendy in tow. "Ready for evening tea with Sally and Hope?" Wendy held back a laugh as she looked at the dressed up, girly looking pirate captains. "But of course!" She answered him.

"Karma's a bitch, isn't it _Sally_?" She spoke towards Sparrow.

"Sticks and stones luv." Was all he replied.

"Sugar, Hope?" Phil asked of captain Hook.

"..." Hook just stared blankly at the child.

"One lump or two?" Phil asked.

"..." Again, Hook said nothing but one could see he was beginning to lose his cool.

"Oh! You're make-up is wearing off, Hope, lets put on some more!" Said Wendy, taking out eye shadow, mascara, eyeliner, and bright red lipstick.

Hook was now shaking, his anger was so strong, but Jack held tight to his hand, keeping him from getting up and strangling the two children. As Wendy was in the middle of applying his lipstick, Hook couldn't take it any more. He exploded.

"#&!(#&#(#&)Purple&##&# #&#!(#&Dinosoar!!&!#!&#&#&!#V b &!#&#!(&!#&!(&!&GV#&#&#& A Toaster&#!!&#(###&(#(# Underwear &#(#Barney Humping(&(#&#(&#(#)#&(!( Your mother with her #(#(&#!(!#&(#!&!)(#!!(&!#( The most horrid pair of children I have ever had the unfortunate event in meeting!" And with that, Hook stormed out of the room and was not seen for some time later.

"Sorry bout that mate." Jack had told Hook, now that the children had gone to bed.

"Listen, I'll make it up to ya. Watch the kids a while, while I go out. I'll bring you back something nice..." Jack said, putting on his oh-so-convincing voice.

"Alright...but don't be gone too long. I might just kill those mangy brats." Hook said, watching as Jack hopped onto his own ship.

"See ya in a week!" And he took off, leaving Hook feeling lonely and forgotten.

Jack was out island hopping when he came across one island that had a big market going on. Jack stopped and had a look at all the treasures when he came upon an old looking doll. It was porcelain and had those eyes that looked like they were blinking when you held it a certain way. It was cheap, so he bought it and thought Hook might like it. The captain was old as hell, and might get a kick out of seeing something from his 'Golden Years'.

Another thing Jack picked up for his good friend Hook was a plastic doll...OO...You all know what it's for...So he packed up his findings and headed back to Neverland.

"That's _Captain_ Salty Sam to you, Hookie!" Mocked Phil towards Captain Hook as Wendy and him played the game called pirates. While they were busy poking Hook with plastic swords and calling him names, Hook looked out at the open sea and spotted the Black Pearl coming in. With a cheer of joy, he grabbed the two swords the children had been poking him with and threw them over board. Making the children cry and whine, Hook then tossed them off his ship and smiled as the Black Pearl came closer and closer.

"Hey!" Yelled the annoyed Phil as he watched Jack enter the Jolly Roger and shake hands with the happy Hook.

"What are you doing down there? I brought you all a present! Come on board, hurry now!" Jack yelled down to the boy and girl as he went back to his ship to retrieve his booty.

Hook watched as Jack dragged out a beaten up, porcelain doll. "It's for you." Jack told him, big grin on his face. Hooks eyes glared knowingly at the doll as he watched Jack trying to hand him the thing.

"Don't let that thing anywhere near me." Hook stated coldly, and walked off, looking over his shoulder suspiciously at the confused Jack and smiling doll.

The kids came up to Jack and whined at the broken down looking doll. "That's not a present! Didn't you bring us something better than a stupid doll?" Phil asked him. Jack sighed as he drug out the plastic doll he _was_ going to give to Hook and handed it to his confused kid and Wendy.

They kept asking him what the hell the blow up doll was for and why it had a hole, but Jack ignored them. When night came, and all was asleep, Hook ventured out of his chamber and looked around the deck suspiciously.

"I know you're out here..." He said, gun in his good hand. Foot steps were heard as Hook quickly turned around at the sound, but found nothing. Feeling even more unnerved than before, Hook snuck back into the safety of his bed. Pulling the covers up to his chin, and giving a sleepy sigh, he turned in bed and looked into the face of the smiling doll.

"_My name is talking Tina, and I remember you..._" The doll said as it's glass eyes seemed to come more to life and it's eyelashes blinked creepily. Hook gave out a shout as he stumbled out of bed and grabbed his gun. Once up, off the floor he looked upon his bed and the doll had seemed to vanish. Turning to the door, he saw the doll standing by it, smiling up at him, blinking.

"Stay back!" He said, backing up as the doll walked closer and closer to him, "I'm warning you!" He whimpered, "I've got a gun!" He was now cornered and the doll was merely feet away.

"_My name is talking Tina, and I don't like you_." She spoke in her tape recorded like voice as she moved closer. With a shriek, Hook pulled the trigger and hit the damn doll right in the chest. Taking chance of the dolls damage, Hook grabbed one of his sheets and wrapped it inside. Walking hurriedly to the side of the ship, Hook beat the covered doll repeatedly against the deck then threw the thing overboard. The whole time the demented creature was making the creepiest noises.

With his enemy slain, Hook went to bed with a mind at peace, that is, until that morning...

"Hey, I found your doll in my room this morning." Jack told Hook who glared at the evil doll, "Take better care of her, will ya?" He said, Hook taking in the fact that the doll had no marks from his previous injuries he had made against it.

"Oh I'll take better care of her, alright..." He said, gingerly taking the doll by the tip of the hair and going over to the other side of the ship. With no one watching, Hook took out a match and started lighting the dolls hair on fire.

"_My name is talking Tina, and you're going to regret this..._" She said as Hook watched the doll squirm within his grip, as the fire began to move down her body. Hook watched with fear as the doll made some horrid noises as it wailed at the pain of being burned to death. When it was just a black charred looking creature, Hook was sure it was dead and kicked it off his boat once again.

All was well, with the evil doll gone, and the Mermaid Fights making profit, Hook was content...that is, until...

Hook awoke from his sleep with his mouth taped, his hands and feet tired to the bed, and the doll holding a knife to his ...OO...

"Ready for your operation, Captain James Hook?" The doll asked, as it held the sharp blade closely against his exposed gender, making him bleed slightly.

Hook began to cry as he watched the doll blink it's unnatural eyes at him, "How does it feel to be played with?" She asked him as she began to move the blade slowly back and fourth. Hook was almost fixed when Jack came in just in time to see what looked like a sick sex ritual.

"What in the??" Jack said, looking at the doll holding the knife against his friend's manhood. "Have I interrupted something?" He asked as the doll jumped at him with long teeth glinting. Jack grabbed it, took the knife away, and popped it's head off. With no head, the doll moved no more and Jack helped his friend get untied.

"You know, if you wanted me to notice how good you were, all you had to do was come by my bunk and brought that blow up doll the kids play with..." Jack chuckled as Hook glared angrily at him.

When his mouth was free to speak, Hook yelled at Jack about being a moron for bringing that damn evil doll onboard his ship and that everything had gone downhill ever since Jack had returned to Neverland. Jack got a hurt look on his face and began to pout.

"See if I rescue you from castration the next time something awkward happens..." pouted Jack as he walked off, leaving Hook to untie himself...

When morning came, Hook was pissy as ever and Jack wasn't talking to him. The kids tried to cheer the two up by suggesting another game of 'Dress Up' Which they got a big 'You do that and I'll slit your throat' look. So Phil and Wendy decided the best thing they could do for the adults, was let them borrow their toy.

Jack and Hook took the toy doll, and the children never saw the thing again. It seemed that after one night, and some weird sound coming from Jack's room, that all was well again and Captain Hook and Jack were on speaking terms again. Phil and Wendy noticed how well they were getting along when an idea got into Phil's head.

"I think Jack and Hook are lovers!" Stated Phil to Wendy one evening.

Wendy began to laugh at this idea, but Phil was serious. "I'll prove it! Let's try to put those two together in a weird situation and see if I'm right or not!" So Wendy agreed, and the two began to make a plot to get both captains to tell each other how much they cared for one another.


End file.
